Abusive men come in every personality type, arise from good childhoods and bad ones, and may appear to be macho men or “gentle” men. No psychological test can distinguish an abusive man from a respectful one. Abusiveness is not a product of a man’s emotional injuries or of deficits in his skills. In reality, abuse springs from a man’s early cultural training, his key male role models, and his peer influences. Abuse is a problem of values, not of psychology. Following are some examples of abusive behaviors:
Control.
This generally falls into one or more of the following areas: arguments and decision-making, controlling your personal freedom, and parenting.
Entitlement.
It is his belief that he has a special status and that it provides him with rights and privileges that do not apply to his partner.
Feeling like the victim.
His entitlement thinking makes him shift responsibility onto his partner. So when she stands up for herself, he will say she is the one abusing him.
Denying or minimizing the abuse.
He denies his actions to close off discussion or because he doesn’t want to answer for what he did.
Possessiveness.
Possessiveness is at the core of the abuser’s mind-set; on some level he feels that he owns her and therefore has the right to treat her as he sees fit. Extreme jealousy can also be used to isolate, either because he wants her to focus entirely on his needs or he doesn’t want her to develop sources of strength that could help her gain independence.