He Made Me Feel So Low That I Felt Like He Didn’t Even Want Me ~
So Why Would Anyone Else?
All I really wanted was love. I had met this person who knew pain as well as I did and I thought he’d be the perfect match. Mainly because he knew what made him hurt and I knew what made me hurt and I figured we’d both work hard to stay away from hurting each other. I guess I was lonelier in my heart than I acknowledged because the abuse started early and the red flags didn’t go up in my head because I just assumed it was anger from his previous pain. I felt bad for him, for what he went through and I figured he needed a heart like mine in his life so he’d know there were still good people out there.
Lots of you will say I’m dumb, but my love for him, my need to see him finally happy after all his pain ran deep me in every way possible. He abused me physically, mentally and emotionally. He tore me down, he made me hate who I was and the situations I was born into. I was always wrong, everything was always my fault. He lied, he cheated, he beat me and none of it was ever his fault. He downed talked his own family, yet he’d still tell me how everyone else was better than me and my family.
He called me trash, raggedy, garbage, sorry, whore, fat, ugly. He made me feel so low that I felt like he didn’t even want me so why would anyone else. He made me want to kill myself a lot. I had a miscarriage while living in a shelter, mainly because of him. He was out cheating on me, I cried so much for four and a half years. When I got pregnant the second time he kneed and punched me in the stomach, because I was putting him out because I didn’t want to fight and argue all the time. He choked me really hard while I was six months pregnant. He told me it was my fault he was always cheating on me and lying to me. He said I made it hard for him to tell me the truth. He dragged me through my apartment because I tried running from him, he threw a child’s bike at me. He constantly told me to get an abortion, fall down stairs, drink bleach, eat sushi, feed the kids rat poison and hang myself.
He said a lot of rude things to me that broke me down every single time. He could break me with one text message. He made me hate who I was and where I came from. I had dealt with a lot in my life and felt sad and depressed as is. He made me feel like my accomplishments weren’t good enough because they weren’t as great as his. I tried changing myself because he always made it seem like he was unhappy with how I was, how I was living and what I knew. I started counseling I begged him to join but he refused, because I was the one who needed to change not him, he’d say.
He said I was dumb. I started going to school, he cheated on me. I tried to do better than I was already doing. My best, my all was never good enough for him. Girls were always calling and texting him and sending nudes and he was doing the same. He always had an excuse for everything he did. I was a fool, I believed he could get better. I begged him time and time again to go to rehab, he’d lie. Then he just refused. He’d always say it was me and the whole world who had the problem. He’d tell me how he was smarter than everyone. He talked badly to his very own mother. She was no help if ever I called her. She didn’t raise him; his father did so she kissed his butt all the time. One night driving home from picking him and my kids up from his Grandmas, something came up on his phone and I mentioned it. It started a whole argument because I mentioned it so he started hitting me and I told him to stop because I’m driving and the kids were in the car. He didn’t care. So I pulled back to his Grandma’s house I got out to try and knock on the door he followed me and beat me up in front of his Grandma’s house, dragged me to the car and locked me in it with the kids. I called his Mom out of the house and all she did was stand there. So, I grabbed my kids and started walking away, she tells me I shouldn’t walk at night with the kids and offers me a ride to the store. He got in the car with us, she pulled up at the store and he threatened me that wherever I went he was going too.
I told him I could bring him his clothes from the house he declined because he wanted to go get them but I knew what would happen if I let him go to the house so I said no. His mom asks why he can’t just go get his clothes. I explained to her why he couldn’t. He got out to smoke a cigarette and I ask her to take me and the kids to the store up the street because my Mom was coming and she said she couldn’t because he’ll get mad. I got out the car and started walking, he started to follow, and she followed in the car asking for me to get in the car. They didn’t leave me alone until I got on the phone with the police. This wasn’t the first time I had called for help and she had always told me to leave, or kiss his butt, or do something. It was never directed at him. I was always supposed to let him sleep it off or something.
Regardless what I did and/or didn’t do he always had a problem with me. There were plenty of incidents where I should’ve just left but my heart had seen something my mind knew would never come to life. He threatened my life, my children’s lives and anyone I cared about. He had put my children in harm’s way. Bought them gifts and took them back, did it back and forth a couple of times. Six months pregnant he starts trying to fight me, I call the police and he hit me right before they came as they’re walking up they saw me hit him, so we both went to jail. He knew how to pull me back in and make me feel sorry for trying to leave him when I knew he was bad for me. I loved him and all I wanted was to see him overcome this dark phase of his life. He didn’t understand how much I cared, how much I loved him.
It took a few more incidents for me to finally let go and even then, because we have a child we still had contact with each other. It always left me heartbroken. Eventually I got stronger and realized it was better to just cut all ties regardless if we had children or not. It wasn’t like he was ever asking to see them or talk to them. I called him when I needed him to watch the kids while I worked. Looking back at photos and stats that I posted I was very unhappy. Remembering everything he put me through, I realized how much better life was without him. Even when we talked on the phone or through text we’d argue and at the end of it all he’d still blame me. Now that I’m not high off of him anymore, I’m now outside looking in and I see and hear how crazy and dumb I looked and sound/ed. I’m over it.