I was 16. I went to visit a few of my friends—friends I had known for a while and trusted. I sat on the couch watching TV. One of them, whom I had expressed interest in, began to kiss me. He asked the others to step outside so we could be alone. I tried to walk out as I became uncomfortable but he grabbed my hand and told me not to leave he wanted to spend time with me. He started to touch on me, I asked him to stop. I felt his large belt buckle on my leg. He held my hands above my head and had his way with me. Despite the screams and me yelling NO he continued on. All I remember saying is, “I thought we were friends,” and hearing him respond “You know you like it.” I did not. I did not like it. It hurt. It was terrifying. I ran out after he finished, got in my truck and drove home.
I told a friend, and she told me I was too interested in the guy to have not liked it. She did not believe me. I was raped. I did not tell anyone until two years later. But it was too late. The damage had been done. It happened again my freshman year of college. I thought maybe I had led the guy on too much so I never told anyone, until now, about the second guy.
At age 19 I moved in with my boyfriend at the time. I had known him since high school. We were playing around on the video game and I won the game. I taunted him about losing too much I guess or took it too far and he threw me off the bed, followed by the remote control and then his fists. He continued for a few moments and then stopped. The next morning, he apologized and I accepted. That relationship ended a few months later.
In 2013 I met who I thought was my soul mate. He seemed perfect. We moved in together quickly, became very attached to each other. One night at a party he left me alone with a group of people I did not know. After an hour or so I asked one of the strangers for directions back to my apartment. He walked me to the end of the road to point me in the right way, next thing I remember I was laying in front of a Dairy Queen sign and my boyfriend was on top of me beating me. My lips busted, two black eyes, the world spinning. He walked me home after he finished telling me he would never be disrespected again. An officer pulled off the road and asked if I needed help. I declined due to the tight grip on my wrist persuading me. The officer drove away.
A month later the same officer came to my rescue after I was hit again on Halloween night. I was pregnant with my oldest daughter at the time. I only suffered a slight concussion that night. I left him. I moved out of state, gave birth to my daughter. I left him but he never left me. I thought about him every day. My daughter was a month old when I returned to him. I foolishly ran back into his arms and became pregnant again. When we found out it was another girl, his anger came back. He threw something, maybe a phone, at my head. I began to bleed. With my daughter in my arms and both of us covered in blood I made it to my home at the time and called 9-1-1. The officer told me he could not keep coming to my rescue if I kept walking into the fire. We went to court, a protective order was filed and I moved again.
But as before, I left him but he never left me. I have two daughters by this man, this monster. A man who does not love me or my children. I let this man control my actions, my attitude, my thoughts. I lost friends over this man. This boy. A man would never do the things he has done. He now has six children by four women, all of whom he abuses and beats. The abuse was not only physical, but also mental.
But here I am, three years later with two beautiful daughters and a Christian man who has stepped up to the plate as their father. A MAN who loves me and treats me with the utmost respect. A man who prays for me and adores me and my girls. And yet all it takes is one text, one thought, one smell, one sound, and all I can think about is the one person who hurt me the most. If he would approve, if he would be mad. How he feels. When MY FEELINGS are the only thing that matters. I do not want these monsters to have control over me any longer. I want to be able to give this man, my future husband, my ALL; but how do I do that when I still feel as though the monsters in my past control me?
God sends angels to you when you need them the most. For the first time since I was 16, I feel beautiful. I feel loved. I feel respected. I feel worthy of love. I look at my daughters and know that I NEVER want to see them hurt and in pain as I have been for the past 7 years. As of today, I am letting go. I am putting the past in the past. I am moving on. The monsters no longer have control of me. GOD IS IN CONTROL! Isaiah 41:10 says, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”